I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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