Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
