Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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