Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
