Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
