did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
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So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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