Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
