I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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