He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
