Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
