Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
