he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
