I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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