my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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