I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
