you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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