im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
