As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
