why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
