tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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