I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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