I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
