I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
