I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
