My sheets look like a crime scene.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
