Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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