I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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