Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
two words...techno handjob
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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