Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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