Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
