I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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