Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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