Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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