oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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