So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
