you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
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