i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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