Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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