I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
