Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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