That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize