You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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