i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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