My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
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I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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