so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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