Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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