Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
