she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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