So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
