You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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