that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
