my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to calm my uterus...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
