you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
