I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
