shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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