I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
