it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
