im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
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Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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