Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
